The Sins of the Father

So what do we do about the crappy parenting skills that have been handed down to us? Are we destined to repeat the patterns of our parents simply because we don't know any other way? That question came up in class and right about the same time it came up on EU too in a series of posts titled "another report on Jena." It was afollow up post about the Jena 6 and was a discussion about how racism is passed down. It turned into more of an overall discussion on how we learn to parent from our parents...and how we tend to emulate the way they parented us. Even if we hated the way they did it...and vowed we would never follow in their footsteps, oftentimes we find ourselves trapped in the same patterns of behavior. That is the cycle of abuse. Abusers were abused. We repeat what we know simply because we do not know any better. But many have escaped that trap and gone on to find healthier ways to parent.

On EU one poster said:
"i've had some unfair things happen in my life. i consider it the ultimate revenge, the ultimate "up yours!" to satan to do all i can to make certain that others do not experience the same unfairness."

Another poster said:

my mother was a violent, unloving, drunk, and like you, i determined i would do it differently...and sometimes it was hard. to learn to touch in love when you have not been touched in that way doesn't come naturally you have to prompt yourself every day. so many things i did/read/discussed with my kids because i "wished" someone had taken the time with me.

She went on to say:
eventually it became a part of me, this touching and loving and supportive, talking person that i really wasn't when i first had bethany put into my arms at age 22. so even if it doesn't come naturally to a person, they can purpose to change the course of that downward roll life sometimes has and stand and say, not with me it won't.

In the parenting group, the leader mentioned that she had a friend who came from a very, very dysfunctional family. She said her friend would often call her simply to ask if something she was thinking of doing...of letting her kids do or not do....was "normal." She had nothing to base "normal" on. Another women in the group mentioned that everyone in her family were heavy drinkers. ANY occasion was an occasion to drink and party. She said she had to consistently seek the Lord for his will, saying, "Lord, I know that I've been taught this is okay, but do YOU say it's okay?"

As far as my own life, my family pretty much provided an example on how NOT to do it. There was neglect akin to abuse. There was alcoholism, drug abuse, promiscuity. You name it, it was there....and in my late teens and early adult years, I repeated the pattern. Since I have had my own kids, I do things very, very differently than my parents did. My first husband and I eventually divorced, but it was nothing like the embittered, mean spirited fiasco that went on when my own parents divorced. My sister and I were the weapon of choice for my mother. It had life long repurcussions....leading, I think to the really mixed up life my sister led and a lifestyle that contributed to her death at age forty from lung cancer. It is simply by the grace of God that I have done better with my own kids.

We have weathered (and are now weathering) some pretty serious circumstances. Truly, I do not know what to do....but God is faithful and he is paving the way for me to take one step at a time...to make the next step. Once step at a time. Peering at circumstance through the lens of my growing up years, it is hard to discern the "right" thing to do when so many areas are gray and my upbringing is such a shaky base to use as a benchmark. I have had to ignore advice even though it sounded right because it did not "feel" right. I am trusting the holy spirit to lead me through the confusion....so I don't pass on those "sins of the father" to my kids.