Invalidation

On Lifestreams, Dena posted a link to a site about invalidation. I've only poked around the site a bit but some of what I've read has really struck me...again, as one who has been on both sides of the fence.  The invalidator and the invalidatee.  It is closely related to listening...or not listening...seems to go along with my last post about "close active listening."  Some snippets from the website....

So what is invalidation anyway?   

Invalidation is to reject, ignore, mock, tease, judge, or diminish someone's feelings. It is an attempt to control how they feel and for how long they feel it.

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Invalidation goes beyond mere rejection by implying not only that our feelings are disapproved of, but that we are fundamentally abnormal. This implies that there is something wrong with us because we aren't like everyone else; we are strange; we are different; we are weird.

And it seems that the consequences of being invalidated as a child can be quite serious and far reaching....

Psychological invalidation is one of the most lethal forms of emotional abuse. It kills confidence, creativity and individuality.

Each persons's feelings are real. Whether we like or understand someone's feelings, they are still real. Rejecting feelings is rejecting reality; it is to fight nature and may be called a crime against nature, "psychological murder", or "soul murder." Considering that trying to fight feelings, rather than accept them, is trying to fight all of nature, you can see why it is so frustrating, draining and futile.

I realize there is a balance in this...and we can go too far the other way....especially with our kids.  A while back, a mom (lovetruth) of three fairly young kids posted the following that seems to fit with this idea of balance. 

.......when my kids scream about a skinned knee or something that is minor but huge to them.  i suffer with them, though i feel a different kind of pain than they do.  but i also am practical in knowing the passingness of that pain and how small it is in comparison to what they will feel. 

i also know that, to be a good parent and prepare them for life i can't let them think that their big feelings about this pain are the legitimate estimation of it.  so, even though i want join in their feelings and make it all better, i often, while i take care of the pain and hold them, have to keep an emotional distance and tell them that it isn't as bad as they think and tell them that they need to calm down and control themselves while they cry.

This was written in response to a discussion about God...and how he oftentimes seems distant. She went on to say:

it's a weird journey and i often don't like it, but it helps me to understand that God is helping us grow up into something we can't comprehend right now when He seems distant, cold or even cruel.

I think we can listen to our kids and our spouses and our family, truly hear what they are saying, but gently (and the gently part is what is tricky) point out that what they may be seeing or feeling might not be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  Perhaps they can benefit from a different perspective...

In the case of our kids, they have not lived long enough to make educated judgements on many things.  They simply do not have all the facts and the benefit of hindsight.  Yet we can listen with true empathy...perhaps conjuring up times past (long past for some of us) when we felt those same emotions and fears.