Monday, November 16, 2009

Thoughts On Turning That Page...

I sat on the couch this morning...alone in the (very) early morning darkness and cried.  My journey this morning started out on a blog I've visited before, but not often...I read a post or two, then clicked on one of the links in the "Blogs I Follow" section.  The Needle and the Damage Done - Thoughts from the mother of a heroin addict. 

In one of her recent posts, The Day the Nightmare Began she said

Last year, Dec. 18 to be exact, was the beginning of the realization that my son had a serious drug problem.  I think its a good thing that we can't foresee our future because if I would have known then what this year would be like...I don't think I could have handled it.  One day at a time is more than just a "slogan" its a survival mechanism.

I think back to the day ...four or five years ago when I discovered that Beth was smoking.  Smoking cigarettes.  I was distraught.  It was like the end of the world. 

If I had known then what I know now...I don't think I could have handled what was to come, either.  I wrote quite a bit about it here on my blog during the summer of 2008...when Beth ran away 5 times in a month...when we had to get Child Protective Services involved just to find her. The psychiatrist who flat out told us she was an addict.  The psychologist who just didn't know. The two steps forward and one step back.  The two steps forward and three steps back. Hate filled, belligerent, angry. More than I care to go into here in this post. 

I have more hope now than I have had for a while...but I am not deluding myself into complacency.  I know that anything she tells me has about a fifty percent chance of being a flat out lie. 

Her boyfriend..the one who exacerbated so many of our problems...the one who spent 9 months in boot camp when he was 16...and then spent 9 months in a lock down adolescent rehab when he was 18 has relapsed again.  Beth broke up with him a few months ago.  That is a hopeful sign for me.  He has since been charged with yet another burglary.  He is using again. The script of his life seems to be written.  I have an enormous amount of empathy for his dad. 

On another blog I visited this morning...there was also a post that touched me deeply. The blogger posted a picture of her son when he was 13...before the drugs started.  She talked about him and his funny, endearing quirks, his kindness, his concern for her...and she closed with the following...

Yes, as a mother I'm caught between the memory of that boy, my beloved, and the boy that stole my car.

I so understand what she is saying. I'm not really sure how to wrap up this post.  Visit these blogs if you feel led (and from there you will find links to the blogs of several dozen other parents facing the same situation) Pray for these parents and their children...and all those, the world over, (my family included) whose lives have been affected by addictions. 


Barbara(aka Layla) said...

Oh Cindi, I feel your pain. I can tell from this statement that you have a really good understanding of addiction and all that goes with it:

"I know that anything she tells me has about a fifty percent chance of being a flat out lie."

There is a saying about addicts that was true of my son "if their lips are moving, they're lying". The sad thing is that it becomes such a habit to lie and then they are hurt that we don't trust them.

You also said "I have more hope now than I have had for a while...but I am not deluding myself into complacency." That is great to hear. I feel the same way about my son. I know better than to get "too excited" but I am hopeful and staying on my toes.

I am sorry my blog made you cry but glad you wrote about it here (Sue told me) I will be praying for you and Beth every day. Also some some interesting links in your sidebar of things I am interested in so I am going to go exploring.

I don't get to Al-Anon as often as I should but one thing they tell parents like us is the Three C's and its true: You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, You can't Cure it it.

Peace and a warm hug...

Cindi said...

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment!! What you said about one day at a time being a survival mechanism went along with the past few posts...about knowing the future...turning the page..etc. And it hits very close to home.

The jury is still out on Beth. We'll see. Her exboyfriend, however, is definitely an addict. I had a lot of hope for him when he came out of rehab the last time. I think he really does want to stay straight...I really wanted him to make it.

But it's not over until it's over..

One of my favorite Christian songs is by Matt Redman..You Never Let Go...

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I am convinced that He never lets go. Blessings to you. You will be in my prayers.